JASON KIDD GOT A MEXICAN SON?

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THIS NIGGAS HEAD BEING BIG AS FUCK, BIGGER THAN COCO LEFT BUTTCHEEK, BIGGER THAN OBAMA GETTIN ELECTED...BUT YO MY NIGGA IS THAT YOUR SON OR THE NIGGA THAT PUT THE SHINGLES ON YOUR ROOF? THIS NIGGA LOOK WILD MEXICAN! JASON MY NIGGA YOU LOOK LIKE A WHITE BLACK DUDE AND YOUR WIFE IS DOPE BUT IS THIS LIL NIGGA ADOPTED? MAYBE IF HE GOT A CUT? SHIT IS A CATCH 22 CUZ THE HARRY POTTER CUT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU SHOULD BE WEARING JNCO'S AND WAITING FOR A RIDE TO A CONSTRUCTION SITE BUT THEN IF YOU CUT YOUR SHIT THE BIODOME IS SHININ LIKE A MUHFUCKA. MY SON JKIDD LOOK LIKE AN IRISH CAVEMAN RIGHT NOW. BUT THIS LIL NIGGA HEAD IS BIGGER THAN LEBRONS CONTRACT. GET THAT SHIT OUTTA HERE B THROW THAT NIGGA IN THE GARBAGE AND START OVER..

I Understand....I'm Back By Popular Demand

Not a "new" video by any means....but worth discussing.
I don't know where to start. Watch the video and share your thoughts.

If You Take Things At Face Value

I know. I know. They say not to judge a book by its cover.
But what the hell? Let's take out some books and we'll come to a overall conclusion based solely on the cover.

1)Deep down? Girls really want a nice guy.

Yeah? Ok. Let's see. A lot of girls right now are obsessed with vampires. They've become enamored with vampires to the point where they watch story lines develop where vampires have physical relationships with young ladies.
These young (Human) ladies become smitten by tall, dark, handsome, mysterious men who suck the blood out of everyone they come across and never explain themselves. Everyone close to the young lass tries to talk her out if it. "He's no good for you!" "He'll kill you bitch!" The girl won't listen. She knows for A FACT that deep down he's truly good. Ok...next scene...WHAT? NO! The vampire broke the girl's heart? He left and didn't say anything!? Another Woman?!?

Take out the fangs and immortality....and you have REAL LIFE.
"I thought he loved me. I came home to find him fucking my sister."
Men are vampires. Women have been attracted to vampires for centuries and it won't stop anytime soon. Hollywood is just now profiting off of it.
(A little sidenote. Imagine an actual vampire getting questioned by an insecure, jealous girlfriend???
Girlfriend: So you were at John's house playing Madden?
Vampire: Yup.
Girlfriend: Then why did Sharon see you enter another realm at 3 AM?
Vampire: I mean..I was at John's house...but..what had happened was..
Girlfriend: You're lying to me! And DON'T THINK I don't know you were in the 15th century last week.
--Time traveling undead creatures who can't be exposed to daylight;so they suck blood all night..Domestic violence would be through the roof--

That's enough. I really don't feel like I need to go anymore in depth.
Do some research of your own.
The nice guy will find a female who he is attracted to. He'll find her hobbies very interesting. He'll ask her about every minute of her day. Her school work, her job, her commute...until finally after he falls into the friend zone...she'll tell him about the douchebag who had table service at the club. He didn't ask about her job, or her dreams, or her goals. He gave her a glass of liquor, and turned everything she said into crude sexual innuendo..She than had sex with him and is now feeling used. She's crying into the nice guy's shoulder and appears very vulnerable. He thinks he might have a chance until....she says "Thanks. I appreciate you being there for me. You're like my sister!"

Let's broach this subject a little more...
2. She's sending me signals.

The world is at your fingertips.
No, really. I'm serious.
As time goes by, technology advances. Simple concept.

Let's discuss social networking.
Here's a simple time line of social interaction before the internet.
1. Face to face interaction.
2. Interaction through a messenger.
3. Interaction through a message.(Letter, message in a bottle, etc.)
Better make your words count.
This went on for centuries before our next invention..
4. Interaction through telephone.

Now? It's too easy.
Wondering what someone is up to nowadays? Chances are they're on facebook.
Let me get to my point.
WE HAVE IT SO EASY!!!!!!
Where the hell was Myspace when I was 12 years old? Word? I can send this girl a message? Write a comment on her wall?
Fathers used to Star 69 my house! "Why were you calling my daugher?"
TAKE ADVANTAGE.

Let's do this through the eyes of an 18 year old male.
First of all this kid's grandfather is bitter. He met his wife in high-school. He took her on 18 dates. On the 19th date she exposed a centimeter of her bra strap winked and curtsied.

Let's see what our 18 year old friend does.
Goes on Myspace. Browse. Females. 18-24. Straight. Actually no. Bisexual. 5 miles from my zip code. Show only the ones that have pictures. SUBMIT. BOOM!
17,555 results.
I forgot the comedian who had a funny bit on this. Girls who act shocked when they get hit on by males and who flip when the males get a little fresh. I'm not a whore just because I dress sexy. Comedian says well you may not be a whore but you're wearing the whore costume!

I speak from experience. Our 18 year old pal now has 10 hours of girls to flip through. He should select girls who basically "are wearing a whore's costume." These are the ones who will post a picture of themselves wearing a bra and panties. Keep it going. These are the girls who will feverishly press the reload button on their browser to see who will share a comment on their pictures. One step further? These are the girls who will fuck you after 1 picture comment and a private message. Do they have low self esteem? Daddy issues? Body conscious? Issues with abandonment?

Who knows? Let's cross that bridge when we come to it. For now you have an important social networking application. To most people it's invisible. Not to us. We have a Box labeled slut and it's quite easy to see if they checked the box or not. (I mean it's not fool proof. Not by a long shot. However I do remember getting a lot of reply emails from XoXoHoTTiEKiSSeSoXoX saying "ThAnKszzz!! yEr PrEtii CuTe LeTzz cHyLLL!! hErE's mAii NuMbaaa"

TAKE ADVANTAGE!
Men of previous generations would KILL to be in our shoes! WOMEN ARE GIVING IT AWAY!
Nowadays if you take the traditional route of seducing/romancing/dating a woman..there's a good chance if YOU have Facebook/Myspace and SHE has Facebook/Myspace...y'all friends now.
"Oh, damn. Where am I gonna take this girl on our first date??"
-Oh wait! She has a survey on her Facebook page! She answers questions about every aspect of her life. Get this! She even describes her "ideal first date!" She wrote down her favorite movies, books, food, tv shows, and music! I'm sure some of you at one point had to ask the "best friend" for help...What kind of music does she like? Not anymore.
WOMEN ARE GIVING IT AWAY!
Never. And I mean NEVER have we had such an unadulterated look into the female mind as we do now with the advent of Online Social Networking.
Women will always be a mystery. We just have more clues now.

As a man who encourages slutty behavior I'm happy to present my next book I'm gonna judge by it's cover.

3.Slutty girls don't seem to mind being slutty, as long as they can find humor in their sluttiness.
A.K.A
(847) So I gave my body to some guy who didn't appreciate me. He pretty much told me so to my face. I DID find some Taco Bell in my purse though!

You wanna kill some time? Do what I do. Go to textsfromlastnight.com
Basically the premise of the site is that people receive ridiculous texts from their friends. The recipients of said texts want to spread the love so they forward them to this site.

Now again. We're just being superficial. We're just judging books by their cover. So what do we see?

Slutty girls are being slutty. Girls are having sex.
SLUTTY GIRLS ARE BEING SLUTTY, AND THEY COULD CARE LESS. As long as they think they've written something clever.

Ok. If you've never seen this site, you have no idea what I'm talking about.
2. If you're a female you probably think I'm a dick. "Girls just wanna have fun!"
But, come on. Sometimes, it seems that the sexual encounter was just a prerequisite to writing a text. I'm willing to WAGER that while some of these girls were there lying on their backs getting penetrated; they were plotting out their next text.
Whatever. Everything is everything. TAKE ADVANTAGE.


Finally, I'm gonna share a personal experience with everyone. I'm not gonna give this a title or anything.

4:30 AM- I woke up with excruciating pain in my wisdom tooth. I couldn't fall back asleep; the pain was horrific. For the next 8 hours I couldn't sleep, while taking a mixture of Advil, Codeine, and aspirin. At 3 O'Clock I spoke to a friend of mine who said he had pain medication from when he got his wisdom tooth extracted. So I walked over there and sat down while he looked for the pills. He had problems finding the meds but swung a lit blunt to me.

I took 2 hits and guess what? That Mary J give you No More Drama...in this danciree
Advil after advil. Aspirin after Aspirin. Codeine after Codeine.
NOTHING.
2 Hits of a blunt? Pain gone.

MERO MAILBAG 12/22 "CHEEK MUZIK"

SO YO IM DOIN THIS SHIT WHERE NIGGAS THAT NEED ADVICE CAN GET ADVICE, CUZ IM ALL ABOUT HELPIN THE COMMUNITY. FIGADEALME? (SO YOU CAN EMAIL ME AT AXEDAKID@YAHOO.COM AND ILL DO MY BEST TO ANSWER YOUR QUERY.) WE BOUT TO GO IN THE MAILBAG NO HOMO.




help me out.

i need a track list to play after i take a girl home that will get me laid.

thing is, white girls prefer different music than black girls who prefer different music than mexican girls... and so on.

so, in short, i need a mix that will appeal to all these broads so i can beat some cheeks.

thanks!

I HEAR THAT MY G, YOU GOTTA SET THE MOOD AND WHATNOT...FIRST OFF I GOTTA TELL YOU, UNLESS YOU A YOUNG BUNNER, IF A BITCH COME HOME, SHE GIVIN DOME. IN OTHER WORDS IF YOU GOT HER TO THE CRIB AND ITS NOT UNDER FALSE PRETENSES ON SOME SHIT LIKE "I HAVE DESIGNER WOMENS SHOES FOR SALE OUTTA MY CRIB"...AND IT HAS TO BE SOMETHIN LIKE THAT CUZ EVEN IF YOU TELL A BITCH OVER 17 THAT YOU WANNA DO ANY TYPE OF ACTIVITY (WATCH A MOVIE, LISTEN TO MUSIC, PLAY YAHTZEE) IN YOUR HOUSE SHE SEES RIGHT THROUGH YOUR WEB OF DECEIT B, HORNY NIGGAS HAVE AN AURA THAT ANY BITCH WORTH HER TAMPON CAN SEE, LIKE IN SONIC THE HEDGEHOG WHEN YOU GET THE LIL FORCEFIELD SHIT? MEMBER THAT SHIT? YOU SONIC, AND YOUR HORNINESS IS THE FORCEFIELD AND A BITCH SEES THAT SHIT AND SHE'LL POP IT LIKE "BAONNNGG"...SHE KNOWS YOU TRYNA FUCK AND IF SHE COMES...THEN YOU COMIN, YAO MING? ANYWAY, IMA SUGGEST SOME SHIT JUST CUZ IM NOT A DICKHEAD (MOST OF THE TIME)...BUT IF SHORTY IS IN YOUR CRIB AND DOESN'T KNOW YOUR TRYNA PUT YOUR PP IN HER BAGINA THEN YOU NEED TO GET THAT BITCH OUT THE HOUSE CUZ SHE LIED AND SHE'S 12

IMA GIVE YOU 3 SONGS FOR EACH SPECIES OF BITCHES MY NIGGA CUZ IT SHOULDNT TAKE YOU MORE THAN 15-18 MINUTES TO PUT YOUR FINGER IN SHORTYS BUNGALOW.




WHITE HIPSTER BITCHES

1) ANIMAL COLLECTIVE - SOMETHING BY THESE NIGGAS, I NEVER HEARD THEY SHIT BUT I KNOW ITS HIPSTER EAR FOOD

2) JOURNEY - DONT STOP BELIEVING..THIS IS "IRONIC" AND SHE'LL LAUGH AND FAKE SING AND YOU'LL LAUGH WHILE YOU UNZIP HER PANTS

3) BJORK - ALL IS FULL OF LOVE.. BJORK IS MAD HIPSTER STATUS. WHEN YOU'RE DONE LAUGHING AT JOURNEY THIS WILL COME RIGHT IN TIME FOR YOU TO SEAL THE DEAL AND JUMP IN THAT BOX AND GIVE THE BITCH AN IRONIC MUSTACHE RIDE.

WHITE SUBURB BITCHES

1)PARAMORE - THATS WHAT YOU GET..THIS IS SUBURB EAR FOOD TO THE FULLEST, I ACTUALLY HAD TO CALL A WHITE BITCH TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS SHIT..DURING THE SECOND HOOK MAKE YOUR MOVE MY NIGGA.

2) DEATHCAB FOR CUTIE - I WILL POSSESS YOUR HEART..YOU SHOULD BE EATING THE BITCHES PUSSY BY THE TIME THIS SHIT COMES ON AND THIS FUCKIN SHIT IS 9 MINUTES LONG (GOD DAMN!) SO YOU DONT EVEN NEED A THIRD SONG. IM WARNING YOU THOUGH I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THIS SHIT, ITS WILD EMO MY NIGGA SO THE BITCH MIGHT THINK YOU IN LOVE.

BLACK BITCHES

1) VYBZ KARTEL - RAMPIN SHOP...YOU GOTTA OPEN UP WITH SOMETHIN NOT OD SEXY WITH A BLACK BITCH CUZ SHE'LL BE QUICK TO CALL YOU CORNY AND MAKE YOU EAT THE BOX THEN BREEZE OUTTA THERE AND LEAVE YOU WITH YOUR MOUTH TASTIN LIKE LEVAR BURTON AND FAILURE.

2) CHRIS BROWN - POPPIN...THIS IS ALL PURPOSE RIGHT HERE, ITS A GOOD TRANSITION FROM "MY HAND IS ON YOUR THIGH AND IM TALKIN IN YOUR FACE" INTO "IM BOUT TO START SUCKIN YOUR EARLOBE AND PUT YOUR HAND ON MY DICK BITCH YOU READY?"

3) D'ANGELO - HOW DOES IT FEEL..YOU MIGHT GOTTA PUT A GARBAGE BAG UNDER THE BITCH WHEN THIS COMES ON CUZ THIS IS PANTYDROPPER.MP3

LATINA BITCHES

(TRUTHFULLY IDK SHIT ABOUT MEXICAN BITCHES, PUT ON TELEMUNDO OR SOME SHIT, THIS APPLIES TO RICANS & DOMINICANS, TRY IT ON A MEXICAN BITCH AND LEMME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.)

1) WISIN Y YANDEL - TABLA...THIS IS SOME REGGAETON SHIT, BUT RICANS & DOMINICANS LOVE TO PRETEND THEY AT A PARTY EVEN WHEN THEY NOT SO IF YOU THROW THIS ON SHE'LL START WINDIN AROUND AND YOU GO WITH THE FLOW UNTIL THIS COMES ON

2) WISIN Y YANDEL FEAT ROMEO - NOCHE DE SEXO...FOR YALL NON BILINGUAL NIGGAS THIS TRANSLATES DIRECTLY INTO "SEX NIGHT" YOU CANT GET NO MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD THAN THAT. WHICH IS WHY WE GET ALL THE PUSSY. YOU'RE PROBABLY ALREADY FUCKIN BUT IF YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE THIS CHICK YOU REALLY LIKE HER BEFORE SHE LETS YOU BEAT CHEEKINTONS YOU CAN THROW ON

3)AVENTURA - MI CORAZONCITO...THIS SHIT IS SAPPY BUT IT'LL DO THE JOB.



CHINK BITCHES

ARE BASICALLY WHITE BITCHES OR BLACK BITCHES DEPENDING ON WHERE THEY FROM, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT YOU DEALIN WITH AS SOON AS SHE OPENS HER MOUTH THOUGH.

AS FAR AS OTHER BITCHES, IDK WHY THE FUCK YOU WOULD WANNA FUCK AN INDIAN BITCH OR ANY OTHER WEIRD SPECIES OF BITCH? THEY'RE JUST DIFFERENT COLOR WHITE BITCHES. GOOD LUCK MY NIGGA AND FUCK IT, HIT IT RAW BUT YOU GOTTA PULL OUT AT THE FIRST TICKLE OR YOU GONNA HAVE PROBLEMS.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE B, FUCK YOUR PARTY.

LOOK AT THIS NIGGA MAN...NIGGA LOOKS LIKE THE PERSONIFICATION OF A DILZ, LIKE IF I MADE A CARTOON PENIS CALLD "DICK THE COCKY PENIS" IT WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS NIGGA. I PICKED THIS SHIT RANDOMLY BUT THIS SUMS UP WHAT CLUB PROMOTERS ARE ALL ABOUT. GETTING CORNBALLS WITH TIGHT DRESS SHIRTS INTO A SHITTY PARTY WITH SOME SHITTY ORANGE WHITE GIRLS WITH HIGHLIGHTS TO BUY WATERED DOWN DRINKS AT 5084% MARKUP.

YO DONT EVER THROW A BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A NIGHTCLUB UNLESS THE OWNER IS YOUR BROTHER. NIGGAS WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER AND CALL YOU EVERY WEEKEND TO REMIND YOU ABOUT "FLY FRIDAYS" OR WHATEVER OTHER STUPID ASS ALLITERATION PARTY TITLE THEY CAN THINK OF. I ALREADY KNOW ABOUT "FLY FRIDAYS"...AND "WILD WEDNESDAYS" AND "MASSIVE MONDAYS" MUTHAFUCKA...THEY BEEN GOING ON SINCE THE WORLD TRADE BLEW UP. I KNOW!! STOP FUCKIN TEXTIN ME!! STOP FUCKIN CALLIN ME!!

NIGGAS ARE LIKE A BABYMAMA MAN, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR DJ THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE TURNED ON THE RADIO AND IS GIVING BIRTHDAY SHOUTOUTS OVER IT. NIGGA SITTIN THERE WITH AN IPOD LOOKIN ALL FAT AND SHIT WITH A FUCKIN LRG POLO SHIRT ON LIKE A FUCKIN HERB. FUCK YOU NIGGA STUN ME AND PLAY SOMETHING I HAVENT HEARD 6 TIMES TODAY ON THE RADIO IN THE FUCKIN NEXT OFFICE. MATTERFACT STUN ME AND PHYSICALLY PUT A RECORD ON SOME TURNTABLES.

FUCK YOUR PROMOTERS, HERE'S AN IDEA, DONT EVEN HAVE PROMOTERS, CUZ NIGGAS ARE ANNOYING AND THERES ONLY A TINY WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO HAVE NIGGAS COMING IN EVERY WEEKEND, YOU GOTTA CATCH HORNY SINGLE DUDES WITH GOOD JOBS AND NO BILLS, IE, BORING NERDS WITH TINY COCKS. UNLESS YOU GO TO JERSEY, CUZ JERSEY PEOPLE THINK PAYING A 40 DOLLAR COVER AND BUYING 12 DOLLARS HEINEKENS IS WHAT NYC IS ALL ABOUT AND THEY LIVING THE LIFE.

FUCK OUT MY FACE B, AND FUCK THE MEXICAN NIGGA YOU GOT THROWING FLYERS IN MY FACE LIKE NINJA STARS, FUCK HIM TOO CUZ EVEN THOUGH HE'S JUST TRYIN TO MAKE SOME MONEY TO POOL TOGETHER WITH THE OTHER 27 NIGGAS IN HIS APARTMENT HE'S PART OF THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR STRATEGY. IF YOU WANT NIGGAS THAT MAKE 30K A YEAR TO GO MAX OUT THEY CREDIT CARDS TO IMPRESS SOME BITCH THAT JUST BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND (BUT IS TEXTING HER BOYFRIEND WHILE YOU POUR HER GLASS AFTER GLASS OF CHAMPY) BY BUYING 3 BOTTLES OF WHITE STAR, YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME HOT BITCH HANDING OUT FLYERS AS OPPOSED TO A MIDGET LANDSCAPER.

HERE'S HOW YOU MAKE A "NIGHT" REALLY JUMP OFF. 2 STEPS.

1-OPEN BAR TIL 1AM

2-AT THE DOOR ASK GIRLS TO SHOW THEIR TITS, THE ONES THAT DONT ARE NOT SLUTS AND THEREFORE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN CUZ THEY AINT TRYNA FUCK. NIGGAS GO TO CLUBS TO FIND BITCHES TO FUCK, NOT TO HEAR THAT "AMAZING NEW DJ BUTFUK MIX" OR HAVE MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS AND FIND TRUE LOVE.

THE SLUTS GET DRUNK CUZ ITS OPEN BAR AND AFTER 1 THE BORING NERDS WITH TINY COCKS MAX OUT THEIR CARDS BUYING TABLES AND GET LAID BECAUSE SLUTS WILL FUCK ANYONE THATS BUYING DRINKS. THEN THEY'LL GO BACK THE NEXT WEEKEND BECAUSE THEY HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME AND GOT SOME PUSSY. YOUR PARTY IS A SUCCESS AND YOU BECOME A SUPERPROMOTER AND WEAR SWEATER VESTS AND BLAZERS WITH SILK SCREENED DESIGNS ON THEM AND CUT YOUR HAIR INTO A "FAUXHAWK" AND GEL IT UP, THROW ON SOME AVIATORS AND SHRINK APROXIMATELY 17 INCHES IN HEIGHT. THEN ON YOUR WAY TO STARBUCKS TO GET A CHAI SOY LATTE I JUMP OUT A TREE AND CUT YOUR NECK OPEN WITH AN UNCLE MURDER CD.

MTV IS MAD PUSSY

YOU SEE THIS GIF UP THERE? THATS THE REASON 85% OF THE PEOPLE WATCHIN "THE JERSEY SHORE" ON MTV ARE WATCHIN IT, TO SEE A GUIDO GET PUNCHED IN THE FUCKIN FACE WITHOUT HAVIN TO WALK INTO A FUCKIN TECHNO CLUB AND GET SWEATED ON BY THIS NIGGA WHILE HE DANCE CIRCLES AROUND YOU TO SOME SHIT THAT SOUNDS LIKE CRICKETS FUCKIN EACHOTHER TO THROWAWAY TIMBALAND BEATS (FROM LAST YEAR)

BUT MTV IS MAD PUSSY AND AT THE BEHEST OF SOME ORGANIZATION OF "SMART" GUIDOS I NEVER HEARD OF IN MY LIFE OF LIVIN (WHO ARE OFFENDED BY THE "BLATANT DISRESPECT" AND "STEREOTYPING") THEY NOT GONNA AIR IT, LIKE THESE NIGGAS BEING LIVING ISNT WORSE FOR ITALIAN PEOPLE THAN THE BITCH GETTING HER FACE KNUCKLE MASSAGED BY A GYM TEACHER FROM QUEENS (DEAD ASS, READ THE PAPER)...WHATS THE BIG DEAL? AND IF YOU AIR THE SHIT WHO FUCKIN CARES B? NIGGAS CAN AIR STEVE-O AND CHRIS PONTIUS JERKIN EACHOTHER OFF WITH LOBSTERS IN THEY ASS BUT YOU CANT AIR A GUIDO BITCH GETTING PUNCHED IN THE GRILLATIN?? WHAT IS THIS "ORGANIZATION" GONNA DO? SUE YOU? FUCK OUTTA HERE NIGGA VIACOM OWNS THE WHOLE PLANET (AND MARS), FUCK IS A BULLSHIT LAWSUIT BY SOME STEWED TOMATO EATIN ASS FAKE SMART NIGGAS? YOU MAD PUSSY MTV, AND YOU FUCKED UP MY VIEWING SCHEDULE CUZ NOW I HAVE NO INTEREST IN WATCHING THIS SHIT, I COULD JUST PULL OVER UP IN MORRIS PARK WITH A BLUNT AND WATCH THESE NIGGAS INTERACT LIKE A NATURE SHOW.

HOW MANY NIGGAS USED "TIGER TIGER WOODS YALL" AS A TITLE FOR A BLOG ENTRY ABOUT TIGER WOODS?

UNLESS YOU LIVE IN A CAVE IN HAITI YOU KNOW THIS NIGGA TIGER WOODS GOT PINCHED FUCKIN MAD SMUTS. WHAT YOU PROLLY DONT KNOW IS THAT THE NIGGA LOOKS LIKE A KOREAN RABBIT SQUIRREL WITH GERBIL TEETH. YOU PROLLY KNEW THAT TOO, BUT IM SAYIN WHY WHEN SOME RICH PERSON CHEATS ON THEIR WIFE NIGGAS MAKE A ILL HUGE DEAL OUTTA THE SHIT AND EVERYONE IS LIKE "OH THIS NIGGA IS SCUM CANCEL HIS ENDORSEMENTS" BLAHBLAHBLAH...THE NIGGA GOT HIS DICK WET, BIG FUCKIN DEAL. WHATS MORE IMPORTANT IS THAT THE TEXTS THE NIGGA WAS SENDING MAKE HIM SOUND LIKE THE ILL HORNY 14 YEAR OLD IN A FACEBOOK CHAT. OD CORNY!!! "DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND? I CAN BE YOUR BOYFRIEND" NIGGA YOU SOUND LIKE YOUR NAME IS FUCKIN MATT ZUCKERBERG, YOU'RE TIGER WOODS AND YOU'RE RICH NIGGA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!! IF I HAD .25% OF THE DOUGH YOU HAVE ID BE LIKE "YO BITCH COME TO MY CRIB AND SUCK MY DICK AND THEN WE'LL TAKE AMBIEN AND SMOKE BLUNTS ON MY YACHT WHILE I SMACK MY WIFE" YOU'RE RICH NIGGA AND THESE WAS SOME REGULAR ASS HOES!

NIGGA WAS TRICKING HARD ON SOME 5/10 BITCHES. SOME "I WORK AT A PANCAKE HOUSE AND FUCK ONE OF THE MEXICANS THAT WORKS HERE" BITCHES. IT AINT TRICKIN IF YOU GOT IT BUT NIGGA THESE BITCHES PROLLY WOULDA FUCKED YOU FOR A NIKE TSHIRT AND A GOLF TEE, FUCKIN CORNBALL...BUT BACK TO NIGGAS MAKIN A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS SHIT, ISN'T IT COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT RICH NIGGAS CANT KEEP THEY DICK IN THEY PANTS NO HOMO? THE FUCK? REGULAR NIGGAS CANT KEEP THEY DICK IN THEY PANTS AND THEY DONT HAVE THE OPTIONS THAT RICH NIGGAS GOT..A RICH DUDE CANT BE FAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE B, NO MATTER HOW BAD A BITCH IS YOU'LL EVENTUALLY GET BORED OF THE PUSSY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU GOT KIDS WITH A BITCH. EVERYONE KNOWS ONCE YOU PUT A RING ON A BITCH FINGER AND FUCK AROUND AND HAVE KIDS YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THE DOGGYSTYLE FINGER IN HER ASS BLOWJOB AND THE SPIN HER AROUND AND CUM ON HER TITS & NECK TYPE OF SITUATIONS. WIVES FEEL LIKE THEY ALREADY DID THAT TO HOOK YOU SO THEY DONT GOTTA DO IT ANYMORE. BUT LIKE I SAID A RICH NIGGA HAS OPTIONS CUZ NO MATTER WHAT TYPE OF BITCH YOU'RE DEALIN WIT SHE'LL EITHER FUCK FOR MONEY OUTRIGHT OR FUCK YOU FOR MONEY INDIRECTLY, MEANING TAKIN THE BITCH OUT AND BUYING ALL TYPES OF SHIT WHICH IS BASICALLY FUCKIN FOR MONEY. I BET MY PUBICS THAT IF TIGER WOODS VIETNAMESE MUPPET BABY LOOKIN ASS WAS JUST A REGULAR NIGGA HE'D BE MARRIED TO A WHITE BITCH THAT LOOKS LIKE ROSEANNE OR AN ASIAN BITCH THAT LOOKS LIKE...SOME BORING ASIAN BITCH, I CANT THINKA ONE. GET OFF THIS NIGGAS DICK THOUGH I WANNA SEE SOMETHING NEW ON THE FRONT PAGE TOMMOROW MAN, THE FUCK.

MAD MO ACTION

I WAS JUST THINKIN HOW "MMA" WOULD BE KINDA COOL IF NIGGAS DIDNT WEAR BIKE SHORTS AND GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND 69 FOR 10 MINUTES UNTIL SOMEONE TAPPED OUT. LIKE IF THE SHIT WAS LIKE BOXING JUST WITHOUT GLOVES, AND YOU COULD KICK NIGGAS IN THE CHEST AND SHIT. "THATS KICKBOXING MERO" I KNOW BUT ONLY KOREANS (?) KICKBOX AND THAT SHIT ISNT EVEN POPPIN. UFC FOR REASONS UKNOWN IS MAD POPPIN AND NOW EVERY NIGGA IN HIS 20'S IS "TRAINING MMA BRO" AND WEARING MEDIUM TSHIRTS WITH SKULLS AND WINGS AND LIGHTING BOLTS AND SWORDS ON THEM...OK DICKHEAD GET A MOHAWK, TAPE YOUR ANKLES AND "TRAIN" SO YOU CAN FEEL LIKE A TOUGHGUY UNTIL YOU BUMP INTO SOME OUTTA SHAPE ASSHOLE WITH A BOXCUTTER IN HIS POCKET. THEN YOU CAN USE THE STAMINA AND ENDURANCE YOU BUILT WORKIN OUT TO RUN TO THE ER IN RECORD TIME.

I REMEMBER MAD LONG AGO BEIN AT MY UNCLES HOUSE AND HIM BEING LIKE "YO CHECK THIS SHIT OUT". HE PUT ON UFC AND I SAW TWO NIGGAS PUNCHING EACHOTHER IN THE FUCKIN FACE TILL ONE OF THEM FELL ON HIS FACE NOT MOVING. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT? NOW THE SHIT IS ALL ABOUT SPANDEX AND ANALINGUS AND JOE ROGAN WHO IS THE LAMEST NIGGA ON THE PLANET TALKING ABOUT "WHAT A BEATIFUL MOUNT" "NOW HE'S GETTING INTO A POSITION WHERE HE CAN REALLY PENETRATE" REALLY JOE? IF I CLOSED MY EYES NO HOMO IT'D SOUND LIKE YOU'RE GIVING ME A PLAY BY PLAY OF A GAY PNO. FUCK OUTTA HERE B. I CANT EVEN FATHOM SITTING IN A ROOM FULL OF NIGGAS WATCHING TWO DUDES IN BOXER BRIEFS SUCK EACHOTHER TOES WHILE ANOTHER DUDE GIVES COLOR COMMENTARY LIKE HE HAS A BONER. FUCK THAT SHIT B, WHEN'S PACQUIAO - MAYWEATHER GONNA JUMP OFF?

YO! Sammy Sosa looks like a Michael Jackson/Vampire Hybrid

WTF? He looks like the "white newscaster" character Chappelle used to do.

Sammy are you ok? Are you ok? Are you OK Sammy?
He used to look like this.

Right? That's how he used to look? I'm not imagining this, am I? Or did he always look like a Dominican Twilight character??

WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE BEATLES?

WHY? WHATS SO GREAT ABOUT THESE NIGGAS B? I DONT GET IT, AM I NOT HEARING SOMETHING THAT EVERYBODY ELSE IS HEARING? FORGET THE FACT THAT ROCK MUSIC IS GAY IM SAYIN I FUCK WITH SOME ROCK MUSIC (I SWEAR) SO IM NOT JUST BUNCHING THESE NIGGAS UNDER THE GAYBRELLA (GAY UMBRELLA) WITH THE MAJORITY OF ROCK.

THIS MORNING IM SITTING EATING BREAKFAST WITH MY GIRL AND "GOOD DAY SUNSHINE" CAME ON THE RADIO (SHE LISTENS TO WCBS FM IN THE MORNING, THATS THE OLD WHITE PEOPLE STATION FOR YOU NON NY HEADS) AND I WAS LIKE "THE FUCK IS THIS?" SHE'S LIKE "THE BEATLES" SO I LISTEN MORE CLOSELY TO THE LYRICS AND SHIT CUZ NIGGAS ARE ALWAYS DICKRIDING THE BEATLES LIKE THEY INVENTED THE LIGHTBULB AND SLOPPY BLOWJOBS..."ITS A SUNNY DAY IM IN LOVE AND ITS A SUNNY DAY" ETC ETC...SO IM SAYIN, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL? THESE NIGGAS FUCKIN SUCK. I ASKED MY GIRL AND SHE'S LIKE "THEY CREATED A NEW SOUND" WHAT THE FUCK? THE SHIT SOUNDS LIKE FUCKIN SESAME STREET MUSIC. NIGGAS INVENTED GAY? GUITARS AND DRUMS AND BULLSHIT LYRICS? IM PRETTY SURE THAT SHIT WAS AROUND FOR A WHILE BEFORE THEM. FUCK THE BEATLES B.


SO AFTER THE SONG IS OVER THE DUDE STARTS TALKIN ABOUT HOW THEY HAVE AN ANTHOLOGY BOX SET SPECIAL COLLECTORS EDITION OUT OR SOME SHIT...I NEVER PAID ATTENTION TO THE BEATLES BUT I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT THESE NIGGAS ALREADY HAD 408497 ANTHOLOGIES B. AND THE SHIT COSTS 297 DOLLARS. YO FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU IF YOU THINK IM PAYIN 300 DOLLARS FOR A BOX SET OF SOME FUCKIN SESAME STREET MUSIC. PAUL MCCARTNEY BITCH ASS IS FUCKING CAKING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF YOU SUCKER ASS NIGGAS BUYING INTO THIS SHIT. JOHN LENNON WAS SO OVERRATED HE BODIED HIMSELF AND PRETENDED SOMEONE ELSE DID IT. I DONT KNOW THE OTHER NIGGAS (I GIVE SO LITTLE OF A FUCK ABOUT THEM IM NOT EVEN OPENING A NEW TAB TO WIKI THEM) BUT ONE OF THEM WAS THE FUCKING CONDUCTOR ON THAT SHOW WITH THE TALKING TRAINS SO FUCK HIM CUZ THAT SHOW WAS WILD GAY.

The Amazin' Mets

Heyyyyyyyy. New York! New York! The New York Yankees are the World Champions! As a Met fan it's hard to find any solace in that. Yeah, at least Philly didn't win. Maybe I'm just bitter. Ehh.....maybe. But I don't want somebody I know to win the Mega Millions. I want to win. You play to win the game. YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!

How long until pitchers and catchers report? I'm a Knick fan. Danilo looks great, but other than that? Come on. I'm a Jet fan. We just got swept by the Dolphins. I got a lotta livin' to do 'fo I die. I'm not ready to commit that.

I found a little blurb I wrote about the Mets in July. Let's revisit that.

Ok, here's my take on Omar Minaya. What he did with the mets was like the equivalent of a poker player going in on a hand while committing like 90% of his chips. To Minaya's credit the pieces he put together were pretty good. He had a good hand. He had Wright and Reyes. Got Pedro. Got Delgado. Got Beltran. Got Wagner.

He thinks he has it. Those are good pieces; granted. Once he got Santana he thinks it's a wrap. But it didn't happen. It's like an even mix of under-achieving and injuries.

But it's reality. He did get Santana for Philip Humber and Carlos Gomez who are making NO noise. He did turn Kris Benson into John Maine and Jorge Julio who eventually became El Duque. He also signed Tim Redding and of course the infamous Luis Castillo and Heath Bell deals.

Nah, it's not his fault that Duaner Sanchez took that cab but it is his fault that he gave that kind of money to Moises Alou. Alou could fall out of bed and drive in runs but was even Minaya surprised when he got injured??? Yeah. Tough break. Minaya's core didn't work out but what is his contingency plan? It didn't work out. What are you gonna do now? Besides his "core" he throws pieces together. The real problem with that is those pieces are usually players in the twilight of their career doing a farewell lap around the National League.

A lot of times when his back is against the wall (twice right before the trade deadline) he tries to strike gold. Ex: Xavier Nady for Oliver Perez. Church for Francouer. BUT I have a way bigger problem with the 2nd one. We went in a huge circle with that one. At least Church was somewhat proven. What the hell is the difference between having L-Millz in the outfield and Francouer in the outfield? People have Francouer figured out. At least we could have fooled people with Milledge and got some value in return (what kinda happened with Ryan Church before they made him play with a concussion.) Yeah, Omar. We seen the S.I where Francouer was on the cover and they called him the Natural. He had a good first year and a half, and has a rocket for an arm. Since then? He has 11, 5, and 5 homeruns. PLAYING EVERYDAY. He wasn't on Steroids? Yeah, ok.

It goes deeper than this guy though. I remembered a couple of things that have ACTUALLY happened today.
-At 22 years old you're gonna re-teach Jose Reyes to run? You're gonna change the way somebody runs at 22 years old? That actually happened. Has Reyes played since? I forget what he looks like playing fvcking baseball. I got some memories but they're kinda foggy.
-Jose Reyes hurt himself he's limping around the field. Oh it may be his hamstring. Nope, it's his calf. He's fine, he's going to play. "Jerry Manuel: 80% of Reyes is better than 100% of a lot of players." He plays until he cannot walk. Try to find information on this. "Well, he'll be back at one point. I mean, he will play for the Mets one day. At some point after the all-star break but before 2010 most likely." That actually happened.
-Carlos Beltran this year was missing like 2 games a week. Until finally....he plays until he can't walk. He goes to get a 2nd opinion and the doctor tells him..what did that doctor say? I think it went something like "What were you doing playing baseball?" "Are you serious?" At one point they were even saying that it was career threatening?! A knee bruise? That actually happened.
-Again. Why invest so much in a player if you're that unhappy with one of his main tools. Running? Hitting? At 25 years old you're gonna completely change the way David Wright approaches an at-bat. "David, forget everything you know. Swing like this. This will be better in citi-field." This actually happened.

I wish one of you guys had the headlines/timeline of John Maine for the last year.
-John Maine feels good about the Mets chances in 08.
-John Maine experiences soreness in shoulder.
-John Maine hopes to return after all-star break.
-John Maine hopes to return in a bullpen role.
-John Maine won't be pitching for a while.

He's another one. What has he pitched in the last year/12 months? 25 innings? 5 starts. Do any of you know what exactly is wrong with him? I sure don't. His shoulder is sore? I heard he had bone spurs. Who knows.

But....again. This 2009 season. He's practically all-in just relying on his core. It didn't work. It's painfully obvious the Mets don't have money. Minaya's thinking. "Oh. All I gotta do is fix the bullpen? I'll get K-Rod. We're set now." Minaya has a habit of doing this - getting a premier player at one position and throwing somebody in the other open positions. Now the Mets are thrown together and some decent bench guys can't produce like every day guys.

There's a lot of times where it's deeper than Minaya. I think they totally mis-managed and destroyed Heilman. I really do. Church? I really don't wanna get into the flying to Colorado thing so I won't. But I have a bad feeling. And it's about...

DAVID WRIGHT.

Since this player has been 23 years old find me a quote of a player other than David Wright after the game. He gets called up he's in his early 20's, he puts it together right away. WHY IS HE THE SPOKESMAN FOR THIS TEAM?? Why isn't he solely concerned with playing 3rd base, he needs to explain why it is they lost after every game? None of the "veteran" players on this team can open their mouth? They're gonna destroy this kid. Watch. Or he's gonna destroy them.

They're gonna do something big/stupid. They're gonna trade Reyes or Wright. They don't have any other outs. This team is in for a huge overhaul and it's not gonna be fun.

I gotta take one thing back. I like Francoeur. I hated the move at the time. I really did. But that guy LIVES to play baseball. This guy would play with a broken arm while the rest of the team shakes the pitcher's hand after they strike out. "Great strikeout bro. You're an awesome pitcher dude!"

Whatevs. Let's make this team a contender again. (Last year was an anomaly. A freakish amount of injuries. A ridiculous amount. Still. Let's go Omar.)

C-
1B-
2B-
SS- Reyes
3B- Wright
LF-
CF- Beltran
RF- Francoeur

Lotta holes in that lineup that need to be filled up.
Catcher. Thole? The kid looked good. Looks weird to see a catcher choke up on the bat like that, but he looked good. Not ready yet. Let's sign Bengie Molina.
First Base. Omar's mouth is watering because look at the first basemen who are free agents. They're all washed up. Plus Omar said in the Daily News "don't be surprised to see Delgado in a Mets uniform next year." A Latino player who just came off a hip surgery in the twilight of his career? Wouldn't surprise me at all Omar. Daniel Murphy? Ok. The kid is a 2nd basemen. Failed in the outfield. Pretty solid defensively at 1st. I think he was 4th on the team in hitting last year. (He batted 250 something. SMH) He had no protection the lineup; it was his 1st full year in the majors. Truth be told, I'd rather see Murph at 1st than Delgado. Maybe a glimmer of hope here though. One of our top prospects is a 1st baseman. A young man by the name of Ike Davis. He's tearing up the Arizona Fall League. Rumors have it that they might let him compete for the job in spring training. We shall see.
2nd Base I hated the Castillo contract. You hated the Castillo contract. Guess what? He was solid last year. (Besides the game we don't need to talk about) Let's trade him though. Let's trade Gimpy and sign Orlando Hudson.
Left FieldCrawford. Bay. Holliday. That's it. Omar. Don't give us Johnny Damon. Please. I'm begging you. Crawford. Bay. Holliday.

The RotationSign John Lackey. Than sign Randy Wolf or Jason Marquis. I prefer Marquis. He's from Staten Island. He wants to be a Met. Omar has had a hard-on for Wolf for a while though so whatever. Just sign Lackey first.

K. Bye.

DMX CATCHES 10 BODIES...

YO SO THIS DUDE CAUGHT MAD BODIES AND HID THEM IN HIS CRIB...

IT BUGS ME OUT HOW A NIGGA CAN RAPE OD AMMOUNT OF BITCHES AND THEN BODY THEM, AND THEN JUST STASH THEM IN HIS CRIB LIKE THEY'RE QUARTER OZ'S OF WEED OR SOME SHIT. NO BIG DEAL I GOT 4 DEAD BITCHES BEHIND THE TOSTITOS IN THE PANTRY...THATS A DEAD PERSON MY G, IM SAYIN, I SEEN DEAD NIGGAS BEFORE BUT THATS NOT SOME SHIT YOU WANNA SEE EVERYDAY YOU FEEL ME? IM GOIN TO GET MY TIMBS OUTTA MY CLOSET AND A DEAD NAKED BITCH FALLS ON MY HEAD? FUCK OUTTA HERE B! I CANT FALL ASLEEP WITH SHIT IN THE TOILET ON THE OTHER END OF MY CRIB, IF I STEP IN DOGSHIT I CANT EAT MY LUNCH B, THE SMELL BE KILLIN ME...I DONT EVEN WANNA KNOW WHAT 10 DEAD BITCHES SMELLS LIKE, THATS GOTTA SMELL WORSE THAN EVERY BAD THING YOU EVER DID IN YOUR LIFE + 20 HAITIAN REFUGEES THAT PISSED ON THEYSELF. SHIT PROLLY STINK WORSE THAN FRANK CALIENDOS TV SHOW. HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE MY G? YOU CAN EAT A BOWL OF CEREAL WITH 10 NAKED DEAD BITCHES IN YOUR CRIB SMELLIN LIKE HUNTS POINT COVERED IN PITBULL SHIT? WHAT IF YOU FORGET WHERE YOU STASHED ONE OF YOUR DEAD BITCHES? YOU GO TO THE HALL CLOSET TO GET SOME TOWELS AND YOU'RE LIKE "OH SHIT I FORGOT I STASHED A DEAD BITCH HERE"? DID HE HAVE POSTITS ALL OVER HIS CRIB? "DED BITCH IN HEAR NO MOR ICE TEE" (IM ASSUMING THIS NIGGA WAS ILLITERATE)

ALSO, IT SAYS HE GOT PINCHED CUZ SOME LADY HE INVITED OVER FOR DRINKS GOT LIVE WITH THE NIGGA AND HE TRIED TO BEAT HER UP AND SHE CALLED 5-0...SHORTY DIDNT SMELL THE 10 OTHER DEAD BITCHES? IS THIS A SHITTY HORROR MOVIE PLOT? SCROLL UP AND LOOK AT THIS NIGGA!!! THIS NIGGAS NEIGHBORS WERE COMPLAININ ABOUT THE SHIT!! YOU DIDNT SMELL DEAD PEOPLE SOON AS YOU CAME ON THE BLOCK? YOU IN THIS NIGGAS CRIB DRINKIN A COSMO CHILLIN? HE PROLLY HAD A DEAD BITCH UNDER HIS XBOX OR SUMTHIN B, GET REAL. I KNOW REGULAR NIGGAS THAT CANT GET BITCHES TO COME OVER FOR DRINKS, WHAT KINDA FEMALE WE TALKIN BOUT HERE? BITCH MUSTA LOOKED LIKE MICHAEL JORDAN IN HIS COLLEGE YEARS. SHIT IS BANANAS, NOT TO MENTION HOMIE LOOKS LIKE DMX/STICKY FINGAZ...ON HEAVY CRILLZ. (WHICH IS SAYIN SUMTHIN.) CRAZY.

AND YO NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT 10 SHORTIES MY MAN? 10?! NIGGA MUSTA LIVED IN A MANSION. I LIVE IN A 1 BEDROOM AND I DONT EVEN GOT ENOUGH ROOM TO PUT AN EXTRA CHAIR IN THIS MUTHAFUCKA...FORGET STASHING 10 DEAD PEOPLE. IM PUTTIN SNEAKERS UNDER MY BED & SHIT CUZ THEY DONT FIT IN THE CLOSET. I GUESS HE WAS RUNNIN OUTTA ROOM CUZ HE BURIED ONE OF EM IN HIS FRONT YARD WHICH IS CRAZY CUZ NONE OF YOUR NEIGHBORS LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AND SEEN YOU BURYING A NAKED BITCH IN YOUR FRONT FUCKIN YARD? DID HE LIVE ACROSS THE STREET FROM CAM'RON?

FUCK OUTTA HERE...

MAD SOLID RELATIONSHIP ADVICE B

YO SO I WROTE THIS LITTLE THING THAT IS MAD CRUCIAL TO 20TH CENTURY MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS AND THE SHIT NEVER GOT USED. TOO REAL FOR PRINT MEDIA B. SO YO, HERE IT IS FOR YALL NIGGAS TO ABSORB THE WISDOM.


NOT THAT IM THE AUTHORITY ON RELATIONSHIPS...ACTUALLY...IM THE AUTHORITY ON EVERYTHING B, RECOGNIZE. HERES SOME RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FOR YOU NIGGAS...AND LADIES TOO, I AINT FORGET ABOUT YALL. IM GONNA KEEP THIS TO 5 POINTS. IF YOU NEED MORE HELP...PSH...HOLLA AT DR. PHIL. OR CUT ME A CHECK. I GOT THINGS I GOTTA DO HOMIE. TIME IS MONEY.

-NIGGAS, DONT FORGET TO CALL YOUR GIRL AT LEAST ONCE A DAY B. PERSONALLY I DONT SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS, I MEAN, I LOVE MY MOMS, BUT I DONT CALL THE BITCH EVERY GODDAMN DAY. THIS IS A BIG DEAL TO FEMALES THOUGH I'VE LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE.

-COMPLIMENT HER, BUT DONT GIVE HER A STUPID INSINCERE COMPLIMENT. "WHAT YOU MEAN MERO?" I MEAN DONT TELL HER HER HAIR LOOKS GREAT WHEN SHE JUST WOKE UP AND IT LOOKS LIKE HULK HOGAN WAS GIVING HER NOOGIES WITH AN AFRO PICK. THATS WHAT I MEAN. SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HER OUTFIT. GIRLS ALWAYS (ALMOST ALWAYS) TAKE GREAT PRIDE IN WHAT THEY WEAR AND HOW THEIR HAIR LOOKS AND SHIT...SO IF YOU BIG THAT UP THEN YOU FINNA SCORE SOME POINTS.

-I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY...DONT TELL A SUPER COMPLICATED LIE TO GET OUT OF SOMETHING BECAUSE THE YANKEES ARE PLAYING THE REDSOX AND YOU GOT GOOD TICKETS (OR WHATEVER YOU INTO). CUZ THEN SHE'S GONNA ASK YOU HOW YOUR SISTERS OVARIAN CYST IS AND YOU GONNA BE LIKE "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" THEN YOU'RE BAGGED AND YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO BLOWJOBS FOR LIKE A GOOD YEAR B. KEEP YOUR FIBBING SIMPLE HOMIE, OR JUST DONT LIE. (I KNOW, ITS TOUGH).

-DO NOT EVER EVER EVER TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND SOMEWHERE WHERE THERE MIGHT BE A LARGE AMMOUNT OF FEMALES SPEAKING TO YOU. I DONT THINK I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS BUT IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND SEES YOU TALKING TO 6 DIFFERENT BITCHES IN ONE NIGHT, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT PHYSICS. YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND SO ITS AUTOMATICALLY BAD.

-DONT KEEP THOSE NAKED PICTURES OF YOUR EX ON YOUR DESKTOP LIKE A STUPID ASSHOLE DICKFACE JERK, IN A FOLDER NAMED "JESSICA NUDE PIX"




LADIES...YOU DONT EVEN NEED ADVICE RIGHT? YOU GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT RIGHT? "NIGGAS ARE SO SIMPLE ALL THEY WANT IS SEX AND FOOD AND BEER/WEED/SPORTS." YEAH, I KNOW. PAY ATTENTION.


-IF YOU HAVE BEEN WITH A DUDE MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, IT IS COMPLETELY UNNECCESSARY TO CALL HIM 149 TIMES A DAY, YOU KNOW HE'S AT WORK, HE KNOWS YOU'RE AT WORK. YOU DONT NEED TO WASTE YOUR DAYTIME MINUTES TO SAY "HI BABY, I JUST ATE SOME DORITOS, OH SHIT MY BOSS IS COMING, ILL TALK TO YOU LATER" REALLY MA? I DONT CARE. IF YOUR MAN RESPONDS TO MOST OF YOUR STATEMENTS WITH A LAUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE "I THINK YOU JUST MADE A JOKE BUT IM PLAYING SOLITAIRE AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION" OR A "REALLY?" THEN HE DOESN'T WANNA TALK TO YOU. "REALLY?" IS AN ALL PURPOSE RESPONSE, I COULD ANSWER EVERYTHING YOU SAY WITH "REALLY?" (I COULD, THINK ABOUT IT.)


-LEARN HOW TO FUCKING COOK. I KNOW IT SOUNDS MAD SEXIST AND OLDSCHOOL BUT ITS SO RARE TO FIND A GIRL THAT CAN COOK NOWADAYS ITS ALMOST BETTER THAN YOU HAVING NICE TITS. SO GET SOME COOKBOOKS, OR ASK YOUR MOM. DONT FORGET TO PRACTICE THOUGH CUZ IF YOU GIVE YOUR MAN A PLATE OF RICE AND CHICKEN THAT LOOKS LIKE OATMEAL WITH A PIECE OF CHARCOAL ON TOP YOU WILL MORE THAN LIKELY LOSE POINTS, THERES NO SUCH THING AS "NICE TRY" WHEN IM HUNGRY.


- UNLESS YOU HAVE TERRIBLE SKIN, KEEP THE MAKEUP TO A MINIMUM, IF WE GO OUT AND MY BROTHER DOESNT RECOGNIZE YOU, AND HE JUST SAW YOU AT THE SUPERMARKET YESTERDAY...YOU OVERDID IT. YOU CAN WEAR SOME MAKEUP, DONT GET ME WRONG. JUST DONT COME TO THE PARTY LOOKING LIKE A TRANSEXUAL GEISHA.


-OK ITS YOUR HOUSE, AND IM SITTING ON YOUR COUCH, I KNOW THIS...BUT COULD YOU PLEASE NOT FUCKING PLAY MARIAH CAREY? IM TRYING TO WATCH THE KNICKS. CANT YOU JUST SIT ON THE COUCH WITH ME AND SAY "AWWW! HE'S SO LITTLE!" EVERYTIME NATE ROBINSON SHOOTS A JUMPSHOT? PLEASE?


-KEEP THE MYSPACING/FACEBOOKING TO A MINIMUM, MYSPACE IS THE GREAT DESTROYER OF RELATIONSHIPS B. GUYS GET JEALOUS TOO, SO IF THERES A PICTURE OF YOU ON YOUR MYSPACE IN A BIKINI AND THERES 7 DUDES IN A ROW SAYING "WOW MA YOU GOT A FAT ASS, ID DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU PEE IN MY MOUTH" THERES GONNA BE CONFLICT. (THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?) BUT YOU KNEW THAT, CUZ WOMEN ARE SMARTER THAN MEN...RIGHT?


SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. IF YOU READ THIS AND STILL HAVE PROBLEMS IM SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU BUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED. ITS ALL GOOD THOUGH, YOU CAN GET ON MYSPACE AND TELL THAT GIRL YOU JUST REQUESTED THAT YOU WANT HER TO PEE IN YOUR MOUTH, OR VICE VERSA LADIES. PEE IN THAT NIGGA MOUTH OR SUMM, GET OVER IT.

ROCK MUSIC IS GAY.

SO I WAS AT A MALL IN JERSEY AND I SEEN SOME LITTLE FAT WHITE KIDS IN BIG SHOES AND TIGHT PANTS, IT WAS LIKE 5 OF THEM...AND IM SITTIN THERE EATIN MY WENDYS AND SHIT AND I OVERHEAR SOME OTHER KIDS TALKING ABOUT THEM AND ONE OF THEM SAID "THEY'RE TOTALLY PUNK ROCK, THEY'RE NOT EMO."

PUNK ROCK? FUCK THAT "PUNK ROCK" SHIT, THERE AINT NO SUCH THING AS PUNK ROCK ANYMORE. BECAUSE AS FAR AS I KNOW PUNK ROCK IS ABOUT BEING BROKE AND SMELLING LIKE SHIT AND OWNING NOTHING BUT AN INSTRUMENT TO PLAY AND PLAYING SHOWS AND SPENDING ALL YOUR MONEY ON HEROIN AND SHITTY BEER. SHIT IS NOT ABOUT ALL 5 OF YOU LIL HOMOS ROCKING THE SAME CORNBALL ASS CLOWN SHOES AND LOOKING LIKE A LITTLE GAY DOMINATRIX FAT BIKER ELF THAT MAKES SANDWICHES IN A LITTLE PINK CABIN IN ICELAND. YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. KILL YOURSELF NIGGA FOR REAL FOR REAL...YOU ARE ALL MAD LAME AND I HOPE A GRENADE FALLS IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE YOUR 19TH "BREAKDOWN" KICKS IN. YOU FUCKING CORNBALL ASS NERD NIGGAS. AND I BET ALL OF YOU ARE 12 AND LIVE WITH YOUR MOMS. FUCK YOU. ASSHOLE.

AND WHAT THE FUCK IS EMO? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO ROCK MUSIC B? IT USED TO BE THAT ROCK WAS SOME SHIT THAT WAS FOR TOUGH GUYS. NOW A BAND CAN FILL A STADIUM WITH A BUNCH OF LITTLE NIGGAS WITH ACNE STARING AT THEIR SHOES AND BRUSHIN THEY HAIR OUT THEY EYES SO EVERYONE CAN SEE THEM CRYING...CRYING IS WASSUP NOW? FUCK OUTTA HERE, THATS WHY NO MATTER HOW "DUMB" NIGGAS SAY RAP IS GETTING IM STICKIN WITH IT 100%. ID RATHER CATCH MY SON DOING THE SUPAMAN THAN CATCH HIM TRYING TO PUT MASCARA ON AND PRACTICING HIS "SAD FACE" IN THE MIRROR. WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKIN JERKS.

THEN YOU GOT "GOTHS"...BRO, YOU'RE STANDING BY THE CUBE AT ASTOR PLACE WITH BLACK LIPSTICK ON AND FAKE FANGS AND YOU'RE HISSING AT PEOPLE THAT WALK BY. YOU'RE FUCKING SITTING IN MCDONALDS WEARING FLOOR LENGTH TRENCHCOATS WITH YOUR DUDES HISSING AT EACHOTHER AND CALLING EACHOTHER VINDICTUS PHOENIX AND SLIVERBLADE...FOR REAL MY NIGGA? YOU'RE GONNA FINISH YOUR McCHICKEN AND GO TAKE SOME FACEBOOK PICTURES SITTING ON SOMEONES GRAVE MAKING A SPOOKY FACE? THIS IS A SUBCULTURE? LEMME LISTEN TO THIS MUSIC FOR A SECOND *PUTS IN EARBUDS* OH OK SO BASICALLY WHAT WE GOT HERE IS THE SOUND OF KILLERBEES ATTACKING A MOOSE IN AN ELEVATOR, OK COOL...NAH NIGGA, GO FUCK YOURSELF B. I KEEP SEEING THOSE "GRAFFITI FREE NYC" TRUCKS EVERYWHERE, THEY SHOULD CONVERT THOSE INTO "HERB PATROL" AND JUST RUN AROUND FINDING THESE NIGGAS AND GIVING THEM ANUS TEARING WEDGIES B.

Halloween

Ok. This is going to be short and sweet. Just some observations about a certain holiday commonly known as Halloween. First things first check out this video of Manu Ginobli killing a bat during the Spurs/Kings game. MANUUUU!!!!!!

1. Great job parents. Seriously. Way to pick out the costumes for your pre-teen daughter from the prostitute section. Make her a princess with a dress that flows down to the flo, make her a ghost (economically sound costume as well) but come on. A french maid? A french maid with a dress that barely covers her pre-teen cheeks? I'm not trying to catch a case out hurr. (I'm just playing.) But I'm saying.

2. You're old enough to rent a car and you're still trick or treating? Come on fam.
**EXCEPTION** You have an infant child. So you trick or treat for them. Example: You hold open the bag for your little toddler and acquire the candy. "Say thank you Maria!" Perfectly acceptable.
I'm gonna go ahead and make the cut off age for females 16. The cut off age for males is going to be 14. Listen up gentlemen. At age 14 you are to report to the nearest rooftop to throw eggs at cop cars. You are to repeat this year in and year out until you get an invitation to a halloween party. This is where you will discover the true beauty of All Hallows Eve. Young ladies will go overboard trying to find the sluttiest costume possible. (Except for the one girl who doesn't get it and will show up as a witch complete with boils, moles, and green skin.) You made it kid. Proceed to engage in anonymous sex, alcohol, and drug experimentation. (NO Crack NO Needles though. Trust me.)

RESPECT YASELF! (SAY THAT IN THE JAMES BROWN VOICE)

YO I WONDER WHAT ITS LIKE TO WATCH A NIGGA WIFE UP A BITCH THAT YOU PUT IT IN THE DOOKIE OF. LIKE, YOU PUT IT INSIDE OF THE CHEEKS, IN THE PEANUT BUTTER. THEN YOU SEE THE BITCH WIT A NIGGA AT A BARBECUE KISSIN?...HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? PERSONALLY THAT SHIT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THE DON OF CHEEKS, LIKE NIGGA I PBEED THAT AND YOU OVER HERE HOLDIN HANDS AND PASSIN THAT BITCH MUSTARD AND PUTTIN HOTDOGS IN EACHOTHER MOUTH AND GIGGLIN? OH LAWD...I WAS JUST TALKIN ABOUT THIS SHIT WITH MY MAN WHO IS IN THAT SITUATION AND HE WAS MAD CAVALIER ABOUT THE SHIT LIKE "NAH MAN ITS NO BIG DEAL SHE'S A NICE GIRL"

SHE'S A NICE GIRL!? YOU KNOW THIS NIGGA AND THERES INSTANCES WHERE YALL GONNA BE TOGETHER IN A SOCIAL SITUATION AND THIS OTHER NIGGA KNOWS IT...MY NIGGA YOU PUT IT IN HER BUTT. THATS NOT A BIG DEAL? HER JERKIN YOU OFF WHEN YOU WERE 12 IS "NOT A BIG DEAL" HER GUIDING YOUR JOINT INTO HER ANAL CANAL AND HOPPIN UP AND DOWN ON IT LIKE ONE OF THEM KANGAROO BALL SHITS IS A BIG DEAL FAM.

WHILE HE'S KISSIN HER AND GETTIN HER A DRINK YOU DEAD ASS NOT THINKIN ABOUT THE 7TH TIME YOU TOOK IT OUTTA HER BUTT WIT DOODOO ON THE CONDOM AND TOOK THE SHIT OFF AND PUT IT IN HER MOUTH? HOMIE?! YOU ARE A TRUE GENTLEMAN. I AM NOT...EVEN THOUGH I BE IN THE GENTLEMEN'S CLUB. ID HAVE THE ILL SMIRK ON MY FACE THE WHOLE TIME. BASICALLY, BITCH IF I PUT IT IN YOUR CHEEKS YOU NEED TO GET A BOYFRIEND THAT I DONT KNOW...AND NIGGA DONT WIFE UP SOME BITCH I VIOLATED ANALLY, RESPECT YASELF!!!!

50 Cent - Before I Self Destruct Leaks? Link and Preview.

Wow. A month before the release date we have a leak. Either 50 is gonna be very upset about this or he's behind it. 50 Cent released a mixtape "War Angel" which I thought was amazing and he came out with one of the best songs I've heard this year "Flight 187." Watch Flight 187 Video Here
Let's get into a track by track review.

The Invitation - Good opening to this album. Beat is hard. If this is a sign of things to come this album is gonna be gooood.
Then Days Went By - Opens up with a real soulful sample. Beat is some head-nod shit. "You can run Forrest Run retard when I dump." HAHA wow. Typical this is what it was like growing up in Southside Queens 50 Cent track. I like it though. Ill song.
Death To My Enemies - Ill Creepy havoc type Bassline. First shots fired on this track. "This ain't the Carter THIS IS SPARTA" After he said that line he ran through the rest of the 2nd verse. Nice wordplay/flow. Not bad. Not bad at all.
So Disrespectful - SHOTS FIRED! SHOTS FIRED! Whoa! In the first 4 bars he says Game got raped by his father and goes at Jay-Z. Wow. 2nd Verse he starts in on Buck. Saying he's a drug addict. Not really blown away by this one. 50 needs like 45 seconds of shit talking which he has perfected over the years at the end of this song.
Psycho feat. Eminem - Wow. This song is Craaaazy. Em and 50 kill it. Check that. Eminem SLAUGHTERS this track. Nothing more to say.
Hold Me Down - Ok. He needs the object of this song to Hold Him Down. Guess what he's referring to? You guessed it! A gun. Me And My Girlfriend/My Buddy Part 113. Not impressed.
Crime Wave - In NYC this song has been getting a lot of spins late night. You may recognize the sample Fab used it for "This Is Family." The unofficial remix has Gucci Mane on it. Not a huge Gucci fan but he did his THANG on this one. Ill song. I'm liking this one.
Stretch - In this song 50 Cent explains how he makes/made money off selling drugs. Ehh. Not great. Not terrible.
Strong Enough - This beat is insanity. Hypnotizing bassline. One of my favorite songs thus far. 50! Please talk shit at the end of these songs.
Get It Hot - They have a vocal sample of Lloyd Banks saying "Get it Get it hot hot hot" but no verse from Banks. Come on man. Don't really like this one.
Gangsta's Delight - A Sugarhill Gang interpolation. Not necessary.
I Got Swag - He couldn't decide if he wanted to do the chopped and screwed thing or not on the hook. He went halfway which was a mistake. This is Poor Little Rich Part 2 and I don't really like it. Maybe I didn't listen with an open mind because as soon as I seen the track title I rolled my eyes.
Baby By Me feat. Ne-Yo - So this is the lead single I guess. Why? A song about getting a girl pregnant. All these gold-diggers need is more inspiration. Get It In should of been your lead single. Don't like this one.
Do You Think About Me - 21 Questions Part 7. If you wanna make these type of songs dead your beef with Ja Rule and ask him for help because at least he was good at them.
Ok You're Right Again a half chopped and screwed hook...but this song does it for me. Love this song. There's already a video for this one. Watch It Here.
Love that track.
Could've Been You feat. R. Kelly You could be 50 cent's girl if you didn't do what you did bitch. Could've been you. Next.
No next actually. That's it.

Ok. Let's wrap this up. You have the creative control to make whatever record you want 50. Make an album for your core audience. Girls aren't buying your record. If they are it isn't for these rap/r&b collabos.

I know he wants to smash everyone's 1st week numbers especially Officer Ricky and Fat Joe. (Fat Joe did like 12 copies though, you got that one fiddy.)What you need to do is make music that rap fans will want to hear years from now; and long term the sales will come if the album can stand the test of time. (No one is gonna remember/ask to hear Baby By Me 5 years from now.)

This album started out great and fell off a cliff. BUT there is hope. This leak was titled the International Release. ALSO Dj Whoo Kid said about 10 minutes ago on his Twitter that "There is no Leak. It's Fake." So I don't know what the hell I just reviewed but it's new 50 Cent and some of it is hot.

Link: Download Here

Lesser Of Two Evils

As a long suffering Mets fan this is the worst case scenario. (aside from Steve Phillips getting his job back). I'm of course referring to the 2009 World Series matchup between the Yankees and Phillies. It's easy for an outside observer just to say "you're from New York man root for the Yankees" but...it's not that simple. Truth be told I hate the Yankees. I hate their payroll (even though the Mets have the 2nd highest), I hate most of their players, I hate their fans who materialize every October, and I really hate the "we got 27 championships, how many yew got?" fans. (Oh yeah, Pal? You look about 20 years old. That '27 squad must have been something to watch huh?)

Can I root for the Phillies though? I can't imagine the flying Hawaiian and Jimmy Rollins spraying champagne on each other would bring me any joy.

However........this is going to be a good series. I don't think either team is capable of a sweep or even winning in 5. This is going to be good. **Can we get an under/over for people hospitalized/killed on Sunday Nov. 1st? 1PM Giants at Eagles 8 PM Yankees at Phillies. I'm gonna set the line at 4.5.**

Let's get into a little preview.

1B. Teixeira vs. Ryan Howard. Offense - Draw. Defense - Teixeira Slightly.
2B. Utley vs. Cano. Offense - Utley. Defense - Utley.
SS. Rollins vs. Jeter. This is tough. Due to postseason experience I'm giving both to the Captain though.
3B. A-Rod vs. Feliz - Offense - Obviously A-Rod. Has he snapped out of his October slumps though? Seems like it. Should be interesting. Defense - Feliz is sensational at 3rd however he just gets a slight edge over Bitch Tits.
RF - Jason Werth vs. Nick Swisher. Here is my prediction. Swisher misplays 2-3 in the outfield this series. IF the Phillies win. That's a Big IF. Werth is the MVP. This is the Phillies wild card right hurr. Offense - Werth. Defense - Werth by a mile.
CF - Melky vs. The Flyin Hawaiian - I think this is gonna be a wash. Victorino can make more things happen with his speed but yeah this is a draw to me.
LF- Ibanez vs. Damon. Offense - Damon. Defense - HAHAHAHA. Damon has an arm like a snake.
C- Ruiz vs. Posada - Offense - Posada. (Don't sleep on Ruiz in October though) Defense - Ruiz by a mile. More on this in a minute.
DH (In New York) Matsui vs. I guess it's Fransisco. That's what I would do anyway. Gotta go with Godzilla here. I think the Phillies are under-utilizing Fransisco this postseason.

Now it might seem like I'm favoring the Phillies but not really. Overall the Phillies are better defensively but the Yankees aren't going to make a TON of errors. Their infield is EXTREMELY solid. Their outfield though? Just hope no balls get hit to the wall Yankee backers. Unless you want to see Swisher and Damon run into the fence and not make the catch.

Above I was comparing position by position which hides the fact that the Yankees have a better lineup. I mean Jeter in October is like Sunday Tiger in Tiger Woods Golf, Damon who's gonna hit a few 200 feet homeruns, then Tex, A-Rod...WOW. That lineup doesn't quit. The Phillies have an almost American League lineup though and are definitely no slouch.

Pitching.
Game 1-Lee vs. Sabathia (battle of the Indians Cy Young winners. How long before one of these teams have Sizemore too?)
Game 2-Pedro vs. Burnett MUCH more on this in a minute.
Game 3-Hamels vs. Pettitte
Game 4-Blanton vs. Gaudin? Sabathia? I'm guessing C.C on short rest. But if the Yanks are up 3-0, 2-1..I wouldn't be surprised to see Gaudin.
Game 5-Lee vs. Burnett
After that who knows? Hamels could jump Pedro for game 6 depending on how the series plays out. Should be interesting.

Now Manuel either made a brilliant move or terrible move here. 38 Year old Pedro in Yankee stadium. He was lights out against the Dodgers. Would I put him in Game 2 in Yankee Stadium with that short porch? However if the series is going south having Hamels there for Game 3 could be huge. (How fitting was it by the way that Pedro was the man who mathematically eliminated the Mets this year? Tim Redding? Come on Omar.)
I'll be rooting for Pedro in this one without a doubt.

The bullpen might be what decides this series. Hughes looked like a deer caught in headlights in his last appearance, the Yankees have destroyed Joba. Joe Girardi's moves to the bullpen have been asinine. Is Coke still on the Yankees? My first guy outta the pen would have to be Robertson if I'm the Yanks. Lidge was awful the 2nd half of the season along with Madson, but Lidge has been good in the postseason. I predict Chan-Ho getting lit up by the Yankees at least 1 time. Don't be surprised if Mariano leads the Yankees in innings pitched this series. Seriously, you gotta bleed Rivera dry this series.

Ok approaching the home stretch here. Girardi what the hell are you doing? 9th inning you're gonna pinch run for A-Rod? (A-Rod by the way is a great baserunner.) What happens if you tie that game Joe? Who plays 3rd? 2 Outs bases empty...you take out Robertson? For ACEVES?? Bases loaded 1 out...You take out Damon for HAIRSTON JR??? That made the Yankees lose their DH spot by the way and forced Mariano to hit, which forced them to pinch hit Fransisco Cervelli..I could go on all day...

The aforementioned Cervelli is not on the roster so it looks like AJ is gonna have to pitch to Posada. Randy Johnson, Mike Mussina, and now AJ Burnett.. Posada can't catch curveballs and refuses to call them. Make the guy a DH if you keep him next year.

If you're a betting man, Yankees to win series -220. Phillies to win series +180.

My prediction: Phils in 6 or 7.