MAD SOLID RELATIONSHIP ADVICE B

YO SO I WROTE THIS LITTLE THING THAT IS MAD CRUCIAL TO 20TH CENTURY MALE-FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS AND THE SHIT NEVER GOT USED. TOO REAL FOR PRINT MEDIA B. SO YO, HERE IT IS FOR YALL NIGGAS TO ABSORB THE WISDOM.


NOT THAT IM THE AUTHORITY ON RELATIONSHIPS...ACTUALLY...IM THE AUTHORITY ON EVERYTHING B, RECOGNIZE. HERES SOME RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FOR YOU NIGGAS...AND LADIES TOO, I AINT FORGET ABOUT YALL. IM GONNA KEEP THIS TO 5 POINTS. IF YOU NEED MORE HELP...PSH...HOLLA AT DR. PHIL. OR CUT ME A CHECK. I GOT THINGS I GOTTA DO HOMIE. TIME IS MONEY.

-NIGGAS, DONT FORGET TO CALL YOUR GIRL AT LEAST ONCE A DAY B. PERSONALLY I DONT SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS, I MEAN, I LOVE MY MOMS, BUT I DONT CALL THE BITCH EVERY GODDAMN DAY. THIS IS A BIG DEAL TO FEMALES THOUGH I'VE LEARNED FROM EXPERIENCE.

-COMPLIMENT HER, BUT DONT GIVE HER A STUPID INSINCERE COMPLIMENT. "WHAT YOU MEAN MERO?" I MEAN DONT TELL HER HER HAIR LOOKS GREAT WHEN SHE JUST WOKE UP AND IT LOOKS LIKE HULK HOGAN WAS GIVING HER NOOGIES WITH AN AFRO PICK. THATS WHAT I MEAN. SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HER OUTFIT. GIRLS ALWAYS (ALMOST ALWAYS) TAKE GREAT PRIDE IN WHAT THEY WEAR AND HOW THEIR HAIR LOOKS AND SHIT...SO IF YOU BIG THAT UP THEN YOU FINNA SCORE SOME POINTS.

-I LEARNED THIS THE HARD WAY...DONT TELL A SUPER COMPLICATED LIE TO GET OUT OF SOMETHING BECAUSE THE YANKEES ARE PLAYING THE REDSOX AND YOU GOT GOOD TICKETS (OR WHATEVER YOU INTO). CUZ THEN SHE'S GONNA ASK YOU HOW YOUR SISTERS OVARIAN CYST IS AND YOU GONNA BE LIKE "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" THEN YOU'RE BAGGED AND YOU CAN SAY GOODBYE TO BLOWJOBS FOR LIKE A GOOD YEAR B. KEEP YOUR FIBBING SIMPLE HOMIE, OR JUST DONT LIE. (I KNOW, ITS TOUGH).

-DO NOT EVER EVER EVER TAKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND SOMEWHERE WHERE THERE MIGHT BE A LARGE AMMOUNT OF FEMALES SPEAKING TO YOU. I DONT THINK I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS BUT IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND SEES YOU TALKING TO 6 DIFFERENT BITCHES IN ONE NIGHT, IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT PHYSICS. YOU'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND SO ITS AUTOMATICALLY BAD.

-DONT KEEP THOSE NAKED PICTURES OF YOUR EX ON YOUR DESKTOP LIKE A STUPID ASSHOLE DICKFACE JERK, IN A FOLDER NAMED "JESSICA NUDE PIX"




LADIES...YOU DONT EVEN NEED ADVICE RIGHT? YOU GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT RIGHT? "NIGGAS ARE SO SIMPLE ALL THEY WANT IS SEX AND FOOD AND BEER/WEED/SPORTS." YEAH, I KNOW. PAY ATTENTION.


-IF YOU HAVE BEEN WITH A DUDE MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, IT IS COMPLETELY UNNECCESSARY TO CALL HIM 149 TIMES A DAY, YOU KNOW HE'S AT WORK, HE KNOWS YOU'RE AT WORK. YOU DONT NEED TO WASTE YOUR DAYTIME MINUTES TO SAY "HI BABY, I JUST ATE SOME DORITOS, OH SHIT MY BOSS IS COMING, ILL TALK TO YOU LATER" REALLY MA? I DONT CARE. IF YOUR MAN RESPONDS TO MOST OF YOUR STATEMENTS WITH A LAUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE "I THINK YOU JUST MADE A JOKE BUT IM PLAYING SOLITAIRE AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION" OR A "REALLY?" THEN HE DOESN'T WANNA TALK TO YOU. "REALLY?" IS AN ALL PURPOSE RESPONSE, I COULD ANSWER EVERYTHING YOU SAY WITH "REALLY?" (I COULD, THINK ABOUT IT.)


-LEARN HOW TO FUCKING COOK. I KNOW IT SOUNDS MAD SEXIST AND OLDSCHOOL BUT ITS SO RARE TO FIND A GIRL THAT CAN COOK NOWADAYS ITS ALMOST BETTER THAN YOU HAVING NICE TITS. SO GET SOME COOKBOOKS, OR ASK YOUR MOM. DONT FORGET TO PRACTICE THOUGH CUZ IF YOU GIVE YOUR MAN A PLATE OF RICE AND CHICKEN THAT LOOKS LIKE OATMEAL WITH A PIECE OF CHARCOAL ON TOP YOU WILL MORE THAN LIKELY LOSE POINTS, THERES NO SUCH THING AS "NICE TRY" WHEN IM HUNGRY.


- UNLESS YOU HAVE TERRIBLE SKIN, KEEP THE MAKEUP TO A MINIMUM, IF WE GO OUT AND MY BROTHER DOESNT RECOGNIZE YOU, AND HE JUST SAW YOU AT THE SUPERMARKET YESTERDAY...YOU OVERDID IT. YOU CAN WEAR SOME MAKEUP, DONT GET ME WRONG. JUST DONT COME TO THE PARTY LOOKING LIKE A TRANSEXUAL GEISHA.


-OK ITS YOUR HOUSE, AND IM SITTING ON YOUR COUCH, I KNOW THIS...BUT COULD YOU PLEASE NOT FUCKING PLAY MARIAH CAREY? IM TRYING TO WATCH THE KNICKS. CANT YOU JUST SIT ON THE COUCH WITH ME AND SAY "AWWW! HE'S SO LITTLE!" EVERYTIME NATE ROBINSON SHOOTS A JUMPSHOT? PLEASE?


-KEEP THE MYSPACING/FACEBOOKING TO A MINIMUM, MYSPACE IS THE GREAT DESTROYER OF RELATIONSHIPS B. GUYS GET JEALOUS TOO, SO IF THERES A PICTURE OF YOU ON YOUR MYSPACE IN A BIKINI AND THERES 7 DUDES IN A ROW SAYING "WOW MA YOU GOT A FAT ASS, ID DO ANYTHING TO HAVE YOU PEE IN MY MOUTH" THERES GONNA BE CONFLICT. (THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?) BUT YOU KNEW THAT, CUZ WOMEN ARE SMARTER THAN MEN...RIGHT?


SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. IF YOU READ THIS AND STILL HAVE PROBLEMS IM SORRY TO BREAK IT TO YOU BUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED. ITS ALL GOOD THOUGH, YOU CAN GET ON MYSPACE AND TELL THAT GIRL YOU JUST REQUESTED THAT YOU WANT HER TO PEE IN YOUR MOUTH, OR VICE VERSA LADIES. PEE IN THAT NIGGA MOUTH OR SUMM, GET OVER IT.