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WHATS POPPIN? IN THIS INSTALLMENT OF MY WHITE PEOPLE DISCOVERY GUIDE I'LL BE SPEAKIN ON WHITE PEOPLE'S MATING TECHNIQUES. NAHMEAN? LIKE HOW THEY GET PUSSY & SHIT. "MERO WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN ABOUT? WHAT DO WHITE PEOPLE DO DIFFERENT WHEN THEY COURT FEMALES BRUH?" FOR REAL? HERE IT GO...
1- CLASSIFICATION: WHITE PEOPLE "DATE" NO OTHER PEOPLE BESIDES WHITE PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE "I'M DATING RACHEL, BUT ITS OPEN." IF YOU ASK ME I'D BE LIKE "I FUCK WIT RACHEL, NOT ON SOME WIFEY SHIT THOUGH WE JUST JUMP OFF ON WEEKENDS" SO OFF TOP YOU GOT USE OF THE WORD "DATING".
2-THIRST LEVEL: I'LL GO OUT WITH A CHICK AND THE NEXT DAY HIT HER UP LIKE " " (THATS BLANK CUZ IM NOT HITTIN HER UP)...WHITE GUYS WILL TEXT A BITCH IMMEJUTLY AFTER THE "DATE" ON SOME SHIT LIKE "I HAD AN AWESOME TIME! SUSHI WAS GREAT! SO WAS THE CONVERSATION! HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON RACHEL! BY THE WAY THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL NAME! AND SO ARE YOU! YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL! OR SHOULD I SAY WOMAN? LOL!! JK!! TTYS!!" REALLY B? WHY DON'T YOU JUST PROPOSE TO THIS BITCH ON THE SPOT? NIGGA YOU STILL IN THE CAB ON THE WAY HOME! GIVE THE BROAD SOME TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT A NERD YOU ARE BEFORE YOU DRIVE IT HOME EMPHATICALLY WITH YOUR THIRSTINESS.
3- MIXTAPES: ALL MY NON-WHITE READERS ARE LIKE "WHAT DOES DJ DRAMA HAVE TO DO WITH DATING?" HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DATING, BUT WHITE PEOPLE HAVE A DIFFERENT DEFINITION OF MIXTAPES. THIS IS WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY MIXTAPE AND THIS IS WHAT A WHITE PEOPLE MIXTAPE IS ALTHOUGH NOWADAYS ITS USUALLY ON A CD AND IT'S USUALLY CALLED SOMETHING WILD CORNY LIKE "FOR RACHEL, WITH UNDYING LOVE." OR "FOR WHEN YOU THINK OF ME." THIS IS HOW WHITE PEOPLE PROFESS THEIR LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER. THAT SHIT BAFFLES ME BUT YO, IF YOU AIN'T WHITE YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS SO BE VERY CAREFUL. WHEN DEALING WITH A WHITE GIRL DO NOT BURN THE BITCH A CD, EVEN IF ITS A BOOTLEG COPY OF AVATAR. SHE'LL TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY AND POKE A HOLE IN THE CONDOM...(JUST KIDDING, ONLY BLACK BITCHES DO THAT.)
4- AGGRESSION: THIS IS ABOUT WHITE GIRLS, NOT WHITE DUDES. I DON'T KNOW WHERE IN WHITEOSITY THIS CAME FROM BUT THE ROLES GOT REVERSED AND WHITE BITCHES REALLY DO NOT GIVE A FUCK! THEY LAY ALL THEIR CARDS ON THE TABLE. IF IM UPTOWN TALKIN TO SOME PUERTO RICAN BROAD AT A BAR AND I'M MACKIN IT, EVEN IF IN HER HEAD SHE'S THINKIN "I WANNA BLOW THIS GUY IN A STALL RIGHT NOW MY PUSSY IS WETTER THAN NEW ORLEANS GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE" SHE WILL ACT LIKE IM ANNOYING UNTIL I PRY THE BITCH OPEN WITH SOME PATRON AND HENNESSY...MEANWHILE IF I'M AT A BAR WITH A WHITE BITCH BEFORE MY SECOND HEINEKEN SHORTY IS SHOVING ME INTO THE BATHROOM AND CHOKING ME WITH HER THONG. WHITE DUDES CRY AND DO MIXTAPES, WHITE GIRLS WILL RAPE YOU. THEY WILL ALSO ASK YOU OUT, NO FUCKIN PROBLEM. ANY OTHER SPECIES OF BITCHES WILL NOT ASK YOU OUT. NOT NEVER! UNLESS YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE OR HAVE MORE THAN TWO COMMAS IN YOUR CHECKING ACCOUNT BALANCE.
5- LOCATION: WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WILL TAKE A YOGA CLASS TOGETHER AS A "DATE". IM ASKIN A BITCH IF SHE WANTS TO GET SOMETHIN TO EAT AND ETHAN IS ASKING A BITCH IF SHE WANTS TO GO ROCK CLIMBING. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET TO KNOW THIS BITCH IF I GOT MY LEG BEHIND MY HEAD AND I'M TRYIN NOT TO FART WHILE I LAY ON THIS BAMBOO MAT IN SOME GAY ASS PANTS LISTENING TO FLUTES AND RIVERS? ARE WE GONNA HAVE A CONVERSATION WHILE I GOT A HARNESS SQUEEZIN MY NUTS AND I'M WEARIN WATER SHOES CLIMBIN UP THIS FAKE MOUNTAIN? FUCK OUTTA HERE.
AND THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG B. DON'T GET ME STARTED. STAPLE THIS TO PART ONE AND GET READY CUZ WHEN I GET MY PHD IN CAUCASIANS IMA START TEACHIN YALL AND THIS IS FINNA BE REQUIRED READING.
ALSO POSTED ON "LOVE IN THE DUMPS" SO SHOUTOUT TO THEM!!
MY NIGGA T RECENTLY ASKED ME WHAT WHITE PEOPLE EAT, SO I DECIDED TO DO A MULTI-PART "WHITE PEOPLE DISCOVERY GUIDE" FOR YOU NIGGAS THAT DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE. I KNOW YOU'RE PROLLY THINKIN "NIGGA, WHO DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE? MY BOSS/PROFESSOR/LAWYER IS WHITE! I KNOW ALL ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE!" OH WORD? SO THEN TELL ME WHAT HE/SHE HAD FOR LUNCH? YOU CAN'T! AND NEITHER CAN I, BUT I'M GONNA MAKE BROAD STATEMENTS AND BE OD STEREOTYPICAL CUZ NIGGA THAT'S WHAT I DOES.THERE'S SOME GENERAL RULES WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS FOLLOW WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD...THEY WONT TOUCH FAST FOOD CUZ THAT SHIT IS WHITE TRASH-ISH. IF ITS POSSIBLE NIGGAS WILL SHOP EXCLUSIVELY AT WHOLE FOODS OR TRADER JOE'S. NIGGAS WILL NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS BUY OFF BRAND SHIT, EVER!!! IF YOU GO INTO A [REAL] WHITE PEOPLE HOUSEHOLD AND THEY HAVE SUPERMARKET BRAND ANYTHING ILL GO TO A KLAN RALLY WITH FLAVOR FLAV AND TAKE FLICKS OF US SITTIN THERE DOIN MATH PROBLEMS. THAT SHIT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. NIGGAS LOOOOVE ORGANIC SHIT B. THEY ALSO LOVE FOREIGN SHIT (MORE ON THIS LATER). BASICALLY I COULD PUT DUTCH GUTS IN A BAG AND WRITE "ORGANIC MALAYSIAN DUTCH GUTS" ON THE SHIT AND IT WOULD SELL OUT AT WHOLE FOODS IN 22 MINUTES. THE MORE FOREIGN THE SHIT IS THE BETTER.YOU ALREADY KNOW THERE'S [SUPPOSED TO BE] 3 MEALS A DAY, BREAKFAST, LUNCH AND DINNER. WHITE PEOPLE LOVE BREAKFAST...SINCE MOST WHITE PEOPLE ARE BUSY WRITING LAWS AND IMPORTANT BOOKS ABOUT THEY LIFE NIGGAS DON'T HAVE TIME TO PUT SHIT IN A SLOW COOKER AND WATCH HBO FOR 6 HOURS WAITIN FOR SOME RIBS TO SOFTEN UP. SO THEY LOVE BREAKFAST CUZ BREAKFAST IS EASY. SOME WHITE PEOPLE LOVE PANCAKES AND EGGS AND SAUSAGE, SOME WHITE PEOPLE ARE VEGETARIAN SO THEY EAT THE SAME SHIT JUST "VEGETARIAN" VERSIONS...PICTURE ME EATIN A VEGETARIAN SAUSAGE (PAUSE), OBAMA WILL SAY "NIGGA" ON TV BEFORE THAT HAPPEN. A WHITE PERSON WILL PUT PANCAKES AND SAUSAGE AND EGGS AND WEIRD GOAT CHEESE STACKED ALL ON A PLATE, AND POUR SYRUP ON IT, THEN THEY WILL DEVOUR THIS DISGUSTING SHIT AND GO PLAY GOLF. THE OTHER TYPE OF WHITE PERSON WILL MEET THEIR FRIENDS AT AN OUTDOOR CAFE AND HAVE $15 COFFEE AND A $20 BAGEL WITH EXOTIC ORGANIC TROUT SEMEN SPREAD, FOLLOWED BY MIMOSAS...NIGGAS WILL PROLLY TALK ABOUT ART OR SOME TYPE OF VACATION THEY FINNA GO ON TO A PLACE YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO VACATION AT. "WE'RE GOING HIKING IN RWANDA!".MOST WHITE PEOPLE WORK IN AN OFFICE FOR A COMPANY THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING EXPLAINABLE IN REGULAR WORDS BUT HAS TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS. SO THEY EAT LUNCH "IN THE OFFICE" CUZ THEY GOT IMPORTANT NONSHIT TO DO. SO FOR LUNCH THEY WILL HAVE A VEGAN CHAI SOY SMOOTHIE LOWFAT LATTE WITH AN ORGANIC FLAX SEED WHEAT GERM PROTEIN ACTIVITY BAR...OR A SANDWICH FROM THE DELI AROUND THE CORNER...THERES A DELI DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET BUT WHITE PEOPLE WILL GO AROUND THE CORNER BECAUSE THE SANDWICHES ARE "WAY BETTER" EVEN THOUGH ITS THE SAME SANDWICH PREPARED BY THE SAME MEXICAN. LUNCH IS NOT A BIG DEAL TO WHITE PEOPLE BUT THE NIGGAS WILL COMPLAIN IF ITS CUT SHORT. LUNCHTIME IS ALSO THE ONLY TIME ITS OK FOR A WHITE GUY TO EAT MCDONALDS, "OH YEAH DUDE, ITS TOTALLY GROSS AND SO MANY CALORIES BUT IM PRESSED FOR TIME I HAVE TO FINISH THIS PROPOSAL SO IM JUST GONNA WOLF THIS DOWN TO TIDE ME OVER TILL DINNER, I FOUND THIS GREAT INDIAN PLACE!! AT THIS POINT IM RUNNING ON FUMES!! HAHA!! ALRIGHT HAVE A GOOD ONE!!"FOR DINNER WHITE PEOPLE WILL EAT YOUR FOOD...YOU PROLLY SAYIN "WHAT YOU MEAN MERO? WHITE PEOPLE WILL SLASH MY FACE FOR DINNER? THAT DONT EVEN MAKE SENSE MY G." OR IF YOU TAKE THE SLANG DOWN TO LEVEL 5 YOUR SAYIN "WHAT YOU MEAN MERO? WHITE PEOPLE WILL EAT MY DINNER FOR DINNER?"...WHAT I MEAN IS, US NONWHITE PEOPLE ARE A SOURCE OF INSPIRATION FOR WHITE PEOPLE, CULINARILY SPEAKING. IF YOU'RE FROM SOME EXOTIC COUNRTY THEN YOU CAN OPEN A RESTAURANT AND THAT SHIT WILL BE CRAWLING WITH WHITE PEOPLE WITHIN HOURS OF YOU OPENING THE SHIT. MATTERFACT IF I WAS RICH I WOULD MAKE UP A FAKE COUNTRY, NAME IT BILKANAWANJA, OPEN UP A RESTAURANT, NAME IT "NAWANJA", AND SPECIALIZE IN BILKANAWANJANESE FOOD. I'LL JUST SERVE MY LEFTOVERS TOSSED WITH DUTCH GUTS ON FANCY PLATES AND HAVE FOREIGN LOOKING WAITERS THAT WILL GIVE YOU A POLITE CHUCKLE WHEN YOU PRONOUNCE THE FAKE NAMES OF THE FAKE FOOD WRONG. BUT NIGGA IF I AINT RICH WITHIN 4 MONTHS YOU CAN WRITE ME AN ANGRY EMAIL ABOUT HOW MY BLOG IS MAD DECEPTIVE.OTHER RANDOM WHITE PEOPLE FOODS/DRINKS:-WINE. WHITE PEOPLE LOVE WINE MORE THAN BRAGGING ABOUT THEIR COLLEGE B! THEY'LL TELL YOU THEY FOUND A GREAT WINE AND BRING IT TO YOUR CRIB AND ACT LIKE THEY PUT YOU ON TO SOME WILD EXCLUSIVE TYPE SHIT. THEN YOU'LL DRINK THE WINE, BE LIKE "NIGGA THIS SHIT TASTE LIKE WINE". WHITE PEOPLE WILL SMELL THE SHIT, SWIRL THE SHIT IN THE GLASS, SWISH IT AROUND THEY MOUTH, ALL THAT. LIKE THERES AN ANSWER TO LIFE IN THE SHIT AND THEY TASTE BUDS ARE MAGIC CODEBREAKERS. SHIT IS ROTTEN GRAPES NIGGA. GIMME A BREAK.-TEA. THE NON COFFEE DRINKING WHITE PEOPLE DRINK SO MUCH TEA THEY MAKE BRITISH PEOPLE SAY "DAMN YOU NIGGAS [BLOKES] DRINK ALOT OF TEA" IN THE WHITE PEOPLE G POINTS SYSTEM HAVING A LITTLE TEA BALL AND PUTTING LOOSE TEA IN IT IS LIKE HITTING A WALKOFF GRANDSLAM IN THE WORLD SERIES, SHIT IS THE PINNACLE.-MEATLOAF. I DONT KNOW ABOUT THIS SHIT LIKE THAT BUT I HEARD WHITE NIGGAS LOVE MEATLOAF NO HOMO. CANT GET TOO MUCH MORE IN DEPTH WITH THAT, ITS LIKE A LEGEND. I NEVER SEENT IT. I HEARD THEY PUT KETCHUP ON IT TOO THO.-CHEESE. IF YOU EVER FUCK A WHITE GIRL AND SHE STAYS OVER YOUR CRIB AND WANTS TO MAKE BREAKFAST IN THE MORNING, ASK HER TO MAKE AN OMELET AND HAVE SOME CRAZY BRAZILIAN WHALE MILK CHEESE IN YOUR FRIDGE AND ASK HER TO USE THAT, SHE'LL BE SO IMPRESSED SHE'LL SUCK YOUR DICK AFTER SHE MAKES THE OMELET AND YOU THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE BECAUSE AUSTRALIAN WOMBAT MILK CHEESE IS NOT YOUR SPEED.-SOY!! YO IN SPANISH, SOY MEANS "AM" AS IN "I AM" THIS SHIT IS PERFECT BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE ARE SOY! THEY MADE OUT OF SOY AND TOFU MY NIGGA ASK MORGAN FREEMAN, HE KNOW. NIGGAS WILL EAT SOY ANYTHING. NIGGAS WILL EAT SOYBEANS DUG RIGHT OUT THE DIRT. TRY IT, TELL A WHITE NIGGA YOU HAVE SOMETHING MADE OUT OF SOY. I BET YOU MY CABLE BOX NIGGAS WILL BE LIKE "CAN I TRY SOME?" AND THEN ASK WHERE YOU GOT IT EVEN IF ITS SOY WALLABY SHIT. LONG AS ITS ORGANIC ITS GOOD $.PRINT THIS OUT AND CARRY IT WITH YOU. YOU'LL NEVER FAIL IN A WHITE PEOPLE DIET DISCUSSION B. I PROMISE. NEXT PART OF THE WHITE PEOPLE DISCOVERY GUIDE IS ON DECK STAY TIDDUNED MY NIGGAS!
